Ghost Vision

Grandma is loosing her vision. Fast. She's had glaucoma for years, but it has really progressed in the last six months. She is pretty much blind in her right eye, and the left eye is not too far behind. But she still sees things; clouds, blue sky, buildings, etc that are not really there, but are they? Monday, the eye doctor explained the phenomena as this: Ghost vision. You probably have heard about how people who have lost limbs deal with "ghost pain" from a limb that is no longer there. He said that when someone can no longer see, the brain may "fill in" the information/stimulus that it is used to receiving. She definitely sees things as if they are really there.

I have been working on this post in my head as I have been processing events over the last couple of weeks. Something about what the eye doctor said yesterday made it all come together for me, because I have been seeing something too that is not "really" there. Something that I was very used to seeing for 15 years. My cat.

It has been three weeks now since we lost Jasmin, but she is still very much here and in our hearts. She was the black skirt folded at the foot of my bed when I walked into my room last night, the dark bag sitting by the mudroom door, the brown towel on the floor in the hallway last week. I expect to see her walking down the hall at any given moment. I hear her too, occasionally, when the house makes a certain noise, or I accidentally knock her collar and tags that I still have in my drawer. I've even caught myself tapping my ice cream bowl for her to come lick. Byran and I occasionally share these similar experiences with each other, memories, and how we wish and sometimes think she is still here.

I know she was "just a cat", but she was our cat. We've known her longer than our own children. She comforted an empty spot and ache in our lives when we couldn't have a family for years. She woke us up in the middle of the night with her wet paws one time in Alabama because our washing machine had broken and was flooding the downstairs. She literally climbed the walls in that same duplex in the middle of the night trying to get to the squirrels or rats or whatever rodents were living in our attic! She tentatively met, sniffed and later would curl up and nap by each one of our babies as they entered our family, and patiently put up with all of their pokes, grabs, and curious pulls as they grew up around her. She greeted us at the door when we would come home from trips. She was so much a part of our everyday lives, that it makes sense that our minds are tricking us, that we still see her. There is something missing at our house.

A couple of weeks ago, we found some of her footprints in the dirt on the side of the house from her last trip outside. It killed me to think that they too were going to disappear soon, like it was the very last part of her that I had left! I had to take pictures to preserve them, so she wouldn't disappear completely from our lives. It makes me feel better to know those memories are secure, even though the rain and snow have likely washed the prints away by now.

Jasmin was so important to our family. Memories of her are important. She brought us so much joy over the years, and just as she helped ease the pain of our empty arms years ago, my kids do that for me now too, with her gone. Their antics and crazies keep me busy and laughing. Their hugs and kisses warm the cockles of my heart. Children can be very therapeutic during a loss, because life does go on. Pets are important in our lives, but children and family are more important. This became even more clear to me the same week we lost Jasmin.

A dear friend of mine lost her mom the first day of Spring, just weeks ago. Her sweet Mom. She said that her experience has made her want to be more like her Mom. She can't imagine a day going by not thinking about her. She was away from her husband and children for a good while in the days before and after her mom's passing, and I can only imagine how comforting it was for her to be reunited with them and love on them before the funeral. I wonder if she sees her mom too; maybe in the way she parents her children, the recipes that she makes for her family that first came from her mom, reading scriptures that were important to her mom or that bring her peace through this experience, or in other ways that are private and dear to her? I bet she clings to memories of her mom. My heart goes out to her and her family.

Our friend's loss has given our family the opportunity to pray for and serve others, taught us about having compassion, and has provided us real life opportunities to talk about the Plan of Salvation and the fact that families can be together forever. Tears have been shed for our friends' loss as well. We know the grief we feel for Jasmin pales in comparison to loosing a parent, spouse, sibbling or friend, and we acknowledge that with great respect.

We miss Jasmin. Her life and loss has also taught us many things and has opened doors to talk with our children about life, death and the resurrection, as they have never had to deal with loss before. Having her put to sleep and choosing to stay with her while the vet put her down taught me that I, that we, can do hard things. Kyler still prays that Jasmin will be resurrected and draws pictures of her. Karissa asks me if I miss her. Although Kayden doesn't miss cleaning her cat box, he misses her too. Feelings are still tender as I type this. This morning, as I was composing this post in my mind in the shower, I know it wasn't just water running down my face. Although she was just a cat, she was our family cat, and I can't deny the tender feelings or memories of her.

"Ghost Vision" is not a creepy phenomena. I like to be reminded of my Jasmin cat even though she is not here! Memories can bring tears, but also joy and comfort that we can keep those we love and lose on earth alive in our minds and hearts until we are reunited with them again. Our memories will keep Jasmin here, even after all of her footprints disappear. I want to remember this when the time comes that Grandma, or other family members or friends leave us too. What a wonderful blessing memories and "ghost visions" can be.